How can I get my girlfriend to watch porn with me?

For some reason people often ask me relationship advice questions like “How can I get my girlfriend to watch porn with me?”

The short answer? It’s difficult and requires a lot of work.

The long answer? Read on…

Asking someone to watch porn with you can be a total turn-off. It sounds like you’re asking for a favor that benefits you and not them. Yuck. Begging is even worse.

More importantly, you have the problem of what I call “the porn mismatch”. You can your girlfriend probably think about porn in different ways. Here are some examples:

How to people use porn?

• A. I’m not horny. I’ll watch porn to fix that!
• B. I’m horny. I’ll watch porn to take it to the next level.

Imagine the mismatch if you are “A” and your girlfriend is “B”? You’re trying to show her porn to turn her on and she’s confused why you would even turn on porn if she isn’t already horny.

It would be a hilarious mismatch if this was a TV sitcom. But isn’t. It’s your relationship and it would cause confusion and hurt feelings.

Here’s another example:

How do people watch porn?

• A. As foreplay BEFORE sex. (turn it off during sex)
• B. Play it before and DURING sex.
• C. Sex? Who cares! I watch porn to cum. I don’t need sex.

This time imagine your girlfriend is “A” and you are “C”. A hilarious mismatch or a fucked up Friday night of frustration? Imagine her seeing you “cum and done” while she’s like “Hey, aren’t you gonna fuck me? Am I ugly or something?”

You haven’t said “I think you are ugly” but you sure made her feel un-sexy. It wasn’t on purpose but now you have to dig out of that hole.

One last example:

What do you like to see in porn?

• A. I like the sexy people in porn. Turns me on to see sexier people!
• B. I have body issues (ashamed or insecure about my body) and the people in porn just reminds me how ugly I am.

Another potential mismatch disaster. You could be unintentionally magnifying her body image issues and making her feel unsexy. You’re sitting there confused with a big erection. Maybe you should have given her time to pick the video.

To avoid these problems you need to get to understand how and why she likes porn (or doesn’t like porn). Then meet her where she is, not where you wish she would go. Do the things she wants. You’ll need a couple positive porn-watching experiences before she’ll be comfortable with it and open up to other things.

There’s a great sex-advice book by Dr. Emily Nagoski, called “Come As You Are” (subtitle: “The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life”). I highly recommend it. Unlike most relationship books that are all hype, Dr. Nagoski is a scientist and walks you through the latest scientific research about what actually works. Sounds science-y and boring? No, she has a fun writing style and tells interesting stories. (If you aren’t the kind of person that reads books, the good stuff is in the first chapter or two. Just read until you’ve gotten enough.)

Everyone knows that different people get turned on by different things. But here’s surprise: Dr. Nagoski figured out that we also are different in what we want before that.

For example: Some people think, “gosh, I’m a little turned on…. some affection would get my engine started and we could have sex!” Some people think, “I’m not turned on at all, maybe if I had some affection it would start my engine and we could have sex.” The difference is whether affection is to “start things” or to “accelerate”?

Now imagine a mismatch. You approach her thinking she can be totally un-horny and you’re there to “start the engine” but she wants to already be a little horny before you even get started. Oops!

The book talks about how to figure out the “style” you and your partner have AND how to work through mismatches. Oh, and “spoiler alert!” the answer is usually “talk about it!”

Check out the book. You’ll thank me.

Buy it here: “Come As You Are”